"It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously you might has well not have lived at all. In which case, you fail by default." J.K. Rowling
Love that. Plus it's a quote from the author of the Harry Potter series. Even better! But FAILURE. Not a word anyone takes lightly. No one WANTS to fail. To fail, you're just a loser right? Wrong. With failure comes success. With failure comes learning experiences. With failure comes the ability to do it right the next time. I haven't always looked at failure from a positive stand point. I would get really down on myself and feel like a failure in life. My kids came from a broken home. I failed to show them what growing up with both parents under one roof is like. What a happy marriage is suppose to be like. I failed at having a "career". I have had to work my ass off at mediocre paying jobs to provide for my children. I could mention a few other "failure" points in my life but these have always bothered me the most. But I have finally woken up and smelled the coffee. I may have failed, but it's been for the better. I may not have gone to college and have a triple digit paying career, but my children have always seen Mommy with a job and working hard, all for them. I have never been lazy and expected the government to provide for my children and I. They have learned that you need to earn what you want. Proof of that being when it was just the four of us and I had a roof over our heads, a nice car paid off, food on the table, utilities paid and clothes on their back. Sure, my parents help occasionally, not because I asked for it, because they want to. And it's always appreciated. But I was proud of myself, who knew I could do that on my own? I no longer feel bad that my kids are not growing up in a "happily married family home". They see that their mom and dad are friends and can get along. We can share them and communicate. They know that marriage is something I want for them someday and that it CAN be something special. They see the relationship that I have with Scott, they have seen us argue and they have seen us apologize and be fine. They know there can be ups and downs. But at the end of the day, we sit down together at the dinner table and they get to experience what being a family is all about. Married or not. So, as horrible as "to FAIL" sounds, it doesn't have to be a bad thing, but a lesson learned. An experience to help you grow. Watch this video that my friend Allysha (Pure Wedding Photography) shared with me the other day......
Pretty awesome right? At 35 I have learned to embrace my failures and be happy with where I am at in life. I may not have a career, but I work for an amazing company that I am so proud to be apart of. I also have my "side" job slingin' mascara that I love. I have four kids and a boyfriend that I love more than anything. Our home is dysfunctional but full of love. Scott and I have big plans for a future family business. I know together we will make it happen. I also have another idea in the works that I'm excited about. Scott and I aren't going to share our dreams with you....we are going to SHOW you.
I have an ultimate failure moment to share with you from yesterday. I feel its only fair as I'm keeping my blog real and for those of you that think I am just a beast training for my competition, I can't stress to you enough how hard some days can be. Not in the fitness aspect of it. But the diet part of it. Some of you have asked me or inquired about me to others, did I just all of a sudden decide to get fit, compete and diet? The answer is yes and no. Prior to deciding to compete, I have had gym memberships for years at Kennedy Club Fitness (awwww....where I met my best friend, love of my life and favorite work out partner!), Planet Fitness and for a very short time Champions. I was a half assed gym goer though. I did classes, occasional 20 minutes of cardio and a few machines. I don't recall breaking a sweat very often. But, I felt like I was on the road to being healthy. And to reward myself, Taco Bell for dinner! Once Scott and I got together, with his experience from working at Kennedy for years, being surrounded by personal trainers and beginning his own process of becoming a personal trainer, I learned my love for weight lifting. Once Give Fitness opened and I was hired on to run the Kid Care program I was the one surrounded by personal trainers and learning even more. So, up until now, I have had many years of "working out" under me and attempting a healthy lifestyle, but I ate whatever I wanted and didn't put a ton of effort into my workouts. Now I go hardcore every time (although if you have followed my blog, you know I have had rough days in the gym as well), cardio for an hour and an hour to an hour and a half of weights and machines. I love that part of training. Today is actually the FIRST day in weeks that I have taken the day off from the gym and slept in with my family. I will still do what I can at home. Anyway, back to my ultimate failure moment yesterday. We went to a baby shower bbq yesterday. I didn't pack my lunchbox. I told Scott, "I'm sure there will be raw veggies and some meat I can eat for my meal". Welllll......there weren't any raw veggies, but there were tables and tables and tables full of deliciousness. OMG. I cracked. I didn't go EXTREME and eat everything in sight. But I indulged in some homemade chili, with a dollop of sour cream and a bit of shredded cheese.....and a few tortilla chips... It tasted amazing. Until Scott pointed out one of his friends personal training clients (the baby shower was for a friend and his wife from the gym Scott use to work at, so it was full of fit people!) that is also training to compete...and she was eating her meal from home. Not caving and eating the food that surrounded her. Ughhhhhhh talk about wanting to cry and instantly feeling like shit. I could blame it on the small scoop of sour cream and cheese since I don't have dairy in my diet. But this was a sick feeling of failure in the pit of my stomach. I should have brought my food. I should have been better. I suck. WTF....I know I want this. I KNOW I can do this. But does that woman want it more than me? The answer is no. But she is definitely working harder than me. She has no idea what she triggered in my mind.
That's it. I want to make a name for myself in the fitness world. I want to make my first competition experience amazing and place. I want a hot lil' bikini trophy to display. I did no sports growing up and this would be my first trophy. But I can't half ass my way there. There is no excuses. Food is no longer my reward, my comfort or motivation to "be better tomorrow". Its sole purpose is my FUEL to keep me going. Thank you to the woman at the baby shower for being the true bad ass at this competition training and helping me look at myself from a whole different perspective. I DO want this. I DO want to be a beast. I DO want to rock that stage and I DO want to make myself and all my supporters proud. And to those of you that think I'm setting myself up for FAILURE, I will show you :)
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